28 Oct 2021

Photo by Evie S. on Unsplash

Trigger Warning: violence, rape, child abuse, mentions bdsm, mentions my adult sex life

These would be the chapters of my memoirs if I wrote them in chronological order and I was trying to get on Oprah’s book club.

Aside: Do they even have that anymore? Fuck, I hate Oprah’s book club. Talk about trauma porn.

Chapter 1: Born High

Chapter 2: You’re Gonna Stay Here for Awhile

Chapter 3: The First Time You Are Dragged Outside By Your Hair

*This one has cheeky instructions on what your brain and body will go through the first time your grandfather drags you through the house by your hair and throws you out the backdoor onto the cement patio.

Chapter 4: I Love You

*This one has a black and white picture of a book I made as a kindergartner titled “I Love You.” It’s all about trying to make people love you when they don’t, won’t, or can’t.

Chapter 5: Fuck You, You’re Not My Real Mom

Chapter 6: I’m not sure what the title is for this one, but there will be detailed descriptions of how sharp the hunger pains are and how cold the wind in LA can be the Thanksgiving after you’re kicked out of the because your grandpa tried to rape you. There’s also some sneaky bullshit about how I was 13 and my mom was also 13, as if that’s not just what a preferential pedophile does to 13 year olds.

Chapter 7: Girl, Get A Job

Chapter 6: The Same Way We Already Love You

*This one’s about the 12 steps and it’ll make you cry.

Chapter 8: The Same Way We Already “Love” You

*This one is a beat for beat re-write of the last chapter except this time I don’t edit out all the statutory rape. And I add a bunch of finger-wagging at a culture that romanticizes children having to bootstrap their own survival in alano clubs and church basements instead of having access to the proper support systems in the first place.

Chapter 9-15: This is a light-hearted series of fun and funny stories from college. Like the time a guy told me he was a feeder and that he wanted me to be his fat ass feedee fuck doll.

Chapter 16: A navel-gazing contemplation as to whether or not my sexual proclivities stem from my abuse or if, as Gaga says, I truly was Born This Way

Chapter 17: This blog post, extensive edits because it turns out I was misdiagnosed and that it was actually PTSD.

Chapter 18: This blog post, no edits.

Chapter 19: This blog post, with an addendum about how happy I am to be married. Someone else will delete all my talk about how many disabled people still can’t legally marry and they will say that it “doesn’t fit.” Which is itself an allegory for disability under capitalism.

Chapter 20: Anorexic Founder

Chapter 21: Anorexic Failure

Chapter 22: No Free Work for White Strangers

Chapter 23: Where I take too much responsibility for all the harm I was complicit in by not claiming my power or telling multiple garbage abusive bosses to fuck off forever. It ends with a touching pledge to never go hungry again. I mean to never abdicate my power again and to always use my privilege for good.

Chapter 24: ACAB

Chapter 25: Something about keeping things “hot” in an 18 year log relationship. Heavy notes of chapter 16

Chapter 25: Girl, Decolonize Your Face

*This is a pithy catchy wrap up chapter about how I overcame my pitiable origins to be the kind of bitch who writes a book and you can too!

If you don’t get the wash your face references, I recommend Maintenance Phase’s two part podcast on Rachel Hollis:

Part I

Part II