03 Nov 2021

Photo by Taylor Young on Unsplash

A list of regrets, some may be unexpected.

  • One time a man made a rape joke way to close to my face and I slapped him. I didn’t even know I was doing it until it was done. My regret is that I apologized. I further regret that I actually felt bad for what I now consider to have been an excellent example of my fight response.
  • There was a vintage grey metal Swingline stapler at one of my old jobs and to this day, I regret not stealing it. The wage theft alone would have paid for thousands of staplers, and I only wanted that one.
  • I regret the years I spent asking myself what my part was in my parent’s abuse. As a teenager, I was encouraged to take personal responsibility for myself and while that gave me the freedom to break those abusive cycles, it also turned the systemic issue of youth not having rights into a personal problem of my own. I’m grateful for the ways this philosophy helped me survive, and I’m deeply resentful of the ways it facilitated my abuse, not only in my house, but later on in different places, but especially at work.
  • I regret the “good work” I’ve done for my community. Not that it was done, but because I didn’t do it in the spirit of mutual aid, rather I did it because I thought I deserved to be harmed. Specifically, by working for free or cheap in dangerous situations as a way to atone for the space I took up.
  • I regret not being more difficult, and I especially regret the times in my life I apologized for being difficult or tried to be less difficult. That never ever ever worked out in my favor.